Microwaved beef and bean burrito, beef jerky, lemon-lime Gatorade spheres, Zesty cheese Doritos soil —
There is one word Chef Jacques LaMerde uses to describe his food time and time again: Soigné
The French loan-word sums up the elegant, sophisticated morsels of culinary perfection that haute cuisine eateries aspire to offer diners.
But look close at the "super-soigné" creations displayed on LaMerde's hit Instagram profile and they don't look quite like the other artfully arranged meals you'll find trending on the the social network's food hashtag.
The meals, he says, eschew high minded concepts like "farm to table," "local," and "not processed." Instead, these recipes -- featuring junk indulgences such as Pop Tarts, Corn Dogs, and McDonald's Filet-O-Fish patties -- explore "alternative universes of flavor."
Original Eggos, Carl Buddig turkey slices, Ready Crisp bacon, Ketchup Doritos, Babybel '2 ways' —
The chef is 31 -- or so he tells us. No one has yet discovered the identity of the man behind the Instagram account, whose name -- French for "Jack Sh*t" -- is, it is fair to assume, a pseudonym he plans to stays behind.
Whoever he is, he's clearly au fait with high-end cuisine and the kind of meticulous plating techniques favored by celebrated Nordic restaurants, which employ tweezer-arranged edible flowers, dustings of mineral soil, and sprays of vegetable foam to create gastronomic artworks on the plate.
Where LaMerde's food is unique is in uniting high and low cuisine: presenting ingredients straight from the gas station kiosk in all the glory their ready-to-eat packets usually deny.
Lucky Charms Treats Bar, Snack Pack Juicy Gels, whipped vanilla Duncan Hines frosting, Skittles, lime Jello powder, apple, bee pollen and edible flowers (from landlord's window box) —
LaMerde has shot to fame since launching his Instagram account on 5 February with a first dish which included "tartar of hand cut Hot Rod" meat snack and crumbled "Doritos soil."
He can now count over 60,000 followers and has proved a big hit with gastronomes who have compared LaMerde's work to the double Michelin-starred cuisine of Danish master René Redzepi, chef of "world's best restaurant" Noma in Copenhagen.
LaMerde admits he is enjoying the comparison and says he one day hopes to start a Kickstarter so he and sous-chef José can afford to eat at the restaurant.
Guy Fieri Carolina #6 Mop & Slop Barbecue & Marinade, canned corned beef, Crinkle Cut fries, baby corn, little gem, string cheese tied into tiny knots, Jalapeño Pringles 'tuile' —
The question on everyone's lips is: how does it actually taste?
LaMerde -- who has his caps lock firmly lodged on when we talk via email -- admits that not everything is perfect. The majority is pretty good, he says, because he sources "HIGH QUALITY, FLAVORFUL INGREDIENTS WHICH ARE ALREADY ENGINEERED TO HAVE MAXIMUM DELICIOUS IMPACT."
Consider cookie and icing dip snacks Dunk-a-Roos: "THE HARD PART OF CREATING AND BUILDING THE DUNKAROO HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE FOR ME, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GET IT ON THE PLATE AND I'M WINNING."
Kraft Handi-Snack, kale chips, ranch-flavor Cornnuts, Yves Veggie meatless bologna, Sandwich Saver pickle, Thousand Island dressing —
Many in the gastronomic blogosphere have taken LaMerde to be a conniving satirist -- trolling gourmets' for the absurd excesses of culinary presentation and lengths they will go to shine on Instagram's competitive food hashtag.
But LaMerde is reluctant to agree. He responds with what is arguably a more subtle point, claiming he's simply trying to "PUSH PAST PEOPLE'S PERCEPTION OF WHAT'S 'ON TREND' OR 'GOOD TO EAT.'"
Dominos Chicken wing, Buffalo Bugles, radicchio, savory Kraft bleu cheese 'anglaise,' green goddess 'enhancement,' yellow beet chunks, pink peppercorns, marjoram —
He is clearly a fan of some of today's masters of fine dining, singling out Hong Kong-born, Toronto-based fusion master Susur Lee's breaded scallops as "THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE."
But he says his real culinary hero is 1950s food writer Poppy Cannon, author of the much derided "Can Opener Cookbook," which comprises articles including "Lucanian Eggs Au Gratin" (that's eggs and canned macaroni cheese) and Roast Canned Chicken Flambé with Black Cherries.
Jimmy Dean ready to eat sausage, canned spring vegetables, French's mustard, Fritos Hoops, pistachio soil, served with a shot of fermented Lake Michigan water with nutritional yeast rim —
Asked whether he really believes it will be possible to transport Doritos from the snack aisle to the gourmet kitchen, LaMerde is confident: "SURE. U JUST NEED 2 COOK FROM THE HEART AND BRING UR TWEEZER GAME," he says.
The most important thing is to be yourself and "GET WEIRD."
"Bugs on a Stick" -- Craisins, Cheez Whiz, celery soda-caviar, Graham Cracker soil, Kale shreds —
I ask if there's any chance LaMerde will come clean about his real identity, but it looks as if the face of this soigné superchef will remain hidden for now:
"EVERY PLATE I PUT OUT I'M BASICALLY BEARING MY ENTIRE SOUL TO THE WORLD. EVERYONE ALWAYS KNOWS WHO I AM, THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THEY KNOW. *DROPS THE MIKE*"
